Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. - Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. - Tommy Cooper
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. - Tommy Cooper